Oh my gosh this made me want to cry so bad (I can’t, I’m doing coursework hah)… but watch this, this is true music. It’s pure communication. You can tell because 1) he’s crying and 2) you can no doubt feel exactly what he’s feeling. That’s communication. James Blunt, this might be one of the greatest love songs of all time.

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
‘Cause I saw the end before we’d begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what’s mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won’t stop there,
I am here for you if you’d only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I’ve kissed your lips and held your hand.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I’ve been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer and when I wake,
You can’t break my spirit – it’s my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I’ve seen you cry, I’ve seen you smile.
I’ve watched you sleeping for a while.
I’d be the father of your child.
I’d spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We’ve had our doubts but now we’re fine,
And I love you, I swear that’s true.
I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I’m asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I’m kneeling at your feet.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I’m so hollow, baby, I’m so hollow.
I’m so, I’m so, I’m so hollow.

Good News or Bad News? Good News? Okay.

Good News:

1. I’m dying my hair tomorrow and I’m gonna make it fucking awesome red. They’ll be peekaboo highlights, so shocks of Matt red. :score:

Edit: just heard John and Karen talking. No red. FML.

2. Um…

2. oh! Skipping school on Friday.

3. Thanksgiving dinner on Thursday (early, I know)

4. Um…

5. Yeah, that didn’t last long.

Bad News.

1. Karen, as predicted, suddenly realised she didn’t mean it.

Sidenote: how fucking mean is it to tell your kid she can go to Wembley Fucking Stadium to see the most amazing band live in one of the most famous venues ever in the ENGLAND with her two best friends and see London and everything, and then say, “Oh, well, I didn’t really mean it, I wasn’t thinking.”

I’ve just given up completely on being mad at her. The sadness I’m experiencing right now is topping so many other sad things that have ever happened to me. It’s overwhelming it’s barely hit me, like I’m standing on top of a waterfall. I don’t know.

Yeah, I can wait for Muse to come here for the US Tour, but I’ll still have missed Wembley. Wembley has a personal meaning to me, and that in addition to the fact that it’s MUSE AT WEMBLEY FUCKING STADIUM just makes it all the worse.

My minor compensation is that I’ll make John and Karen pay for a minimum of five gigs on the US Tour.

God, I hate my life.

Cheers,

Wanda

Would you believe me if…

I told you I might be flying to London, England from America to see Muse play Wembley Stadium for The Resistance Tour?

I’m not kidding. Though madre might be…

We were in the car, me and my mum, driving home in the darkness playing Hide And Seek by Imogen Heap. We’d been chatting and we were having a really nice time and all. Then Hysteria by Muse came on, and I suddenly remembered – Muse were playing another gig at Wembley Stadium and Manchester Cricket something or other. I really want to see Muse at Wembley. If you know me, you know that I would give an arm and a leg to see them live like that! So I mentioned it -

“Ohhhh my gosh, Mom, Muse are playing another gig at Wembley Stadium in London… it’s gonna be sooo epic, I’m so mad I can’t go…”

Then my mum got reallll quiet. I thought I’d said something or insulted her subliminally. Suddenly, she spoke.

“I wonder if you could go for your sixteenth birthday…”

I laughed, poking her.

“Are you serious?” I said lightly – then “Are you really serious?!” I said quite a bit less lightly.

“Yes, I am serious… Auntie Rose flies for free…”

OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD

OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD

OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD

OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD

OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD

OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD

OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD

OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD

OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD

OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD

I could not believe my eyes! I asked her again if she was serious, and she insisted that she was  being serious, so, naturally, I started freaking out.

“OH MY GOSH MOM IF I COULD GO THAT WOULD OH MY GOSH IF OH MY GOSHHHHH IF I COULD GO THAT WOULD BE SO AWESOME IT WOULD MAKE MY LIFE OH MY GOSH”

But she interrupted me, saying, “Brianna, forget about it, I have to pray about it and make a decision…”

“But Mom, the tickets go on pre-sale on FRIDAY!”

“What – Friday? I can’t make this decision that quickly!”

“Well you better, cause the tickets are gonna go like… really fast…”

So there’s a worry there. I do not want to end up sitting for another concert… sitting sucks. =/

But she was completely serious. Although, she has a very great history of promising or implying things and then not following through and stuff. I want to believe that she’ll say yes and let me go – she won’t let me tell my Dad because she wants to make the decision and all, I guess. But part of me knows she was proberly just really euphoric from shopping and getting her hair done… but I don’t know.

Another flaw in this plan is that if I fly in the middle of the school year to see Muse in concert… That’ll be really hectic! And I’ll be so jet lagged and delirious, and the PMD (post Muse gig depression) will be multiplied by fifty zafillion normal PMD symptoms. And cost wise, we’ll be spending quite a bit of monies…

Third, I won’t be able to go to any of their other gigs on the USA The Resistance Tour gigs…

Now that would take loads on convincing and being good and all that. I don’t want Muse to come play the US and have my parents every time say “no, remember that time we let you fly to London for a weekend in the middle of school to watch the play at the Wembley gig? Yeah, not happening, you should be satisfied” because you can never get enough Muse. Fact.

And when Muse come to the US, I want to go to multiple shows, if possible. I know my parents won’t go for it, but I think it’d be so much better than seeing them once and then waiting three years, you know? It’s seeing them five times and then waiting three years.

God, I wish I’d known about them when they first started as a band. Then I would have been able to see them play so many more gigs…

I’ve been worried lately. I have this nagging feeling that the grand Musedom is coming to an end…

It seems like Chris and Dom and Matt really enjoy touring and all, but Chris has a family, Matt has a fiance, and I’m sure Dom would like to get hitched at some point… settle down…

It’s all ready been ten years. I know that everyone really needs them to stay together, but they most likely won’t be together twenty years from now. It just doesn’t seem likely, unless their life permits.

I don’t want to seem pessimistic, but… I don’t know. I don’t want them to split, because the day that happens, everyone will literally try to commit suicide. I know I will. Us Musers are the most dedicated and loving fans of all time. It’s true. Other music fans at school and in life as a general thing, they all know not to mess with me about Muse, because there’s no convincing me of anything besides their grandeur. I mean, I love other music, but I will always come back to Muse at the end of the day. They’re my life band, the ones you know will stay with you forever, and you can listen to them without end, never getting tired of it.

So… trying to go to as many gigs as possible.

This is a really depressing post… gosh…

This is a depressing song, sorry, but I wanted you to hear it…

Cheers lovely people

Wanda

not your body -

control of what you do and say,

your beautiful bones,

your ancient face,

your long, tendoned fingers,

 

not your mind -

control of what you do or say,

your thoughts,

your nerves,

 

not your heart -

your emotions,

your feelings,

 

I want your soul -

for that governs your mind,

your body -

that is your all,

your everything,

your ignited blue eyes,

your glowing smile,

your all.
(C) The Wanderer Blog

Not sure where that came from. It doesn’t apply to me, so… yeah…

Anyhow, I’m really addicted to this song:

Remember those walls I built
Well, baby they’re tumbling down
And they didn’t even put up a fight
They didn’t even make up a sound

I found a way to let you in
But I never really had a doubt
Standing in the light of your halo
I got my angel now

It’s like I’ve been awakened
Every rule I had you breakin’
It’s the risk that I’m takin’
I ain’t never gonna shut you out

Everywhere I’m looking now
I’m surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you’re my saving grace

You’re everything I need and more
It’s written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won’t fade away

I can feel your halo

Hit me like a ray of sun
Burning through my darkest night
You’re the only one that I want
Think I’m addicted to your light

I swore I’d never fall again
But this don’t even feel like falling
Gravity can’t forget
To pull me back to the ground again

Feels like I’ve been awakened
Every rule I had you breakin’
The risk that I’m takin’
I’m never gonna shut you out

Everywhere I’m looking now
I’m surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you’re my saving grace

You’re everything I need and more
It’s written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won’t fade away

I can feel your halo

I can feel your halo

Everywhere I’m looking now
I’m surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you’re my saving grace

You’re everything I need and more
It’s written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won’t fade away

I can feel your halo

And this song reminds me of the poem I’ve just written:

Everything about you is how I wanna be
Your freedom comes naturally
Everything about you resonates happiness
Now I won’t settle for less

Give me all the peace and joy in your mind

Everything about you pains my envying
Your soul can’t hate anything
Everything about you is so easy to love
They’re watching you from above

Give me all the peace and joy in your mind
I want the peace and joy in your mind
Give me the peace and joy in your mind

Everything about you resonates happiness
Now I won’t settle for less

Give me all the peace and joy in your mind
I want the peace and joy in your mind
Give me the peace and joy in your mind

That song’s been stuck in my head for a whole fucking week, on and off. Mostly on. It’s my theme song, at the moment.

This is to the boy who got into my head with all the pretty things he did.

I regenderised that quote, but gosh, the whole song is just almost exactly me.

I haven’t started NaNoWriMo yet. I knew I wasn’t going to be able to write every night, with coursework and all, but I didn’t anticipate the oddness of it. Last year, I wrote all the time. Now I’ll proberly be writing a bit tonight (insomnia) and the other 15k words on Saturday when my parents are gone. I’m really excited about this story because it’s different than my other novelideas. It deals with more dirty, realistic sorts of things. And at the same time it’s so surreal.

My Paper Person, real to me or not, it becoming more and more a part of me every day. Me and Twin were getting frustrated with Ray over the weekend because we ended up planning everything around Tim. We get it, she has a boyfriend, but she has friends, too. I didn’t complain to her, but me and Twin were ecky. At the same time, I know why she wants to be around him every possible moment she can. If she feels any bit as strongly as I do about him, then I pretty much don’t mind. It’s just hard to watch it. It makes me want to cry and at the same time be happy and frolic in fields of daisies because Ray’s found someone. I don’t know.

I’m feeling more depressed more often right now. I might start running again, just to see if the whole endorphins thing works. I used to run a lot. But… not really anymore. Doesn’t help that my mother just yells at me all the time about. And the rest of my family, for fuck’s sake.

I really want to see DeKaff and Izzo.

I need to do Chemistry.

This shocked me into silence.

Goodnight.

Cheers,

Wanda

This music video was disappointing… but it’s still fine. Not as spectacularly abstract, like other Muse videos, but still okay. And they’re all fucking sexy, so there. (L)

If I can’t be the best I am until I’m with you, and I will never be with you, then I will never fully be myself. Revelation#96

I can’t imagine all the people that you know
And the places that you go
When the lights are turned down low
And I don’t understand
All the things you’ve seen
But I’m slipping in between
You and your big… dreams
It’s always you and my big dreams

My Konstantine

I’ll post something real later… but for now, have some good music.

Cheers,

Wanda

PS: all you people looking at my blog really like Emily Browning. She’s hawt, so it’s all good. x

I haven’t posted in so long! No one reads this, anyhow, so that’s okay haha

But who cares? I certainly don’t, so let’s get down to business, short and sweet.

1. I am doing NaNoWriMo again. It’s going to be insane with the mountains of coursework I have everyday, but I could never not do it. I would feel insanely empty! I’m plotting this time, though, lots of extensive outlining and scene planning. Last year, didn’t do that and ended up with half of a book at 66k words out of the 50k we had to do. It was ridiculous, SO lots of planning…

2. I love DeKaff. :bighugesmile: We understand each other, and we have the best music taste in the world! Song she’s shown me (L)

I really want to do this song for worship. It’s a lovely song, and I feel close every time I listen to it. Music really is the purest form of communication. :Matthew Bellamy is(insertthoughtsIrefusetosay):

3. FLORENCE AND THE MACHINE GO LISTEN NOWNOWNOWNOW GOGOGOGO!

Florence has one of the most amazing voices I’ve ever heard.

^favourite^

lovelovelovelovelove

4. Currently on Twin’s lappytoppy. I love her so much. Haven’t gotten to spend a lot of time with her – more time than most people who are separated, but gosh it’s been long. I miss her.

5. I am irrevocably in love and not only in love, but absolutely and voluntarily and mandatorily cemented to his soul, my Paper Person’s, and he is becoming less and less Paper and more Real with every breath I take. He makes my existence so much more flavourful and incandescent. I can feel.

A falling star fell from your heart and landed in my eyes
I screamed aloud, as it tore through them, and now it’s left me blind

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I’m always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart

(cheers) The Wanderer

Introduced the term to Karen today… thought it’d make a nice title haha

Anywho, I felt like posting (I shouldn’t be!) so I am… I would, yeah? So, updatey on me life…

Thursday 22/10 I woke up with a sore throat… I thought it was just the fact I’d been breathing through my mouth or something while sleeping, but it got steadily worse throughout the day. When I got home, I made some good ol’ soup to fix me up. Didn’t work at all, so I tried a steaming cuppa and that didn’t work either. I busted out some cough drops and NOTHING HAPPENED. I didn’t understand what was going on – and on top of that, this perpetual sinus infection I’ve got flared up again. I’ve taken so many antibiotics I can’t count all the different prescriptions. I hate taking them, too. I’m one of those big believers in the whole ‘antibiotics will fail us when diseases genetically adapt’ and all that, so I avoid them, really. Don’t see the point, I guess.

Anyhow, went to band and Joey yelled at me (lovingly, not angrily haha) cause he knows I’ve been sick for, eh, five months at least (that’s just as long as he’s noticed, I’ve been sick wayyyahayhayhayyyy longer than that). I just gave up singing at all after the first song. My head just kept pulsing whenever I blinked or moved or AH it was terrible. I didn’t bother going to school Friday. I wouldn’t have been able to do anything. I thought I might be able to memorise some Latin stuff, but my head was spinning. Same thing happened Saturday… I couldn’t go to home group or anything. Twin asked me to cinemas during the afternoon, but I couldn’t do that either. It’s rare that we get to see each other, so that made me especially pissy.

Completely forgot, but we went to Gordon Beirsch on Friday night… I insisted on it since I pretty much knew I wasn’t getting out this weekend. It’s a lovely brewery in the middle of town. We first ate there in the middle of D.C. after seeing The Screwtape Letters. Really nice show. Even more beautiful restaurant – it was built in one of those old, supermassive marble banks. The booths were raised two feet off the floor and the pillars holding everything up were awesome. The GB we went to, though, was much more modest, obviously, but the decor was really nice. Lots of contemporary light fixtures and such. I got some fish tacos (nommm) and we ordered a chocolate peanut butter ganach (no clue how to spell that) thing that was really fantastic. The fish tacos (there were two) were supposed to be cajun, but the first taco was completely void of spicy, excepting one bite. The second taco somehow got all of the jalapeno peppers. Ended up searching the rest of the taco and pulling all of them out! Still fantastical, though.

It’s Sunday now… ended up skipping the band gig, cause I was croaking. Head’s feeling a bit better, but as I’m typing, it’s starting to pulse again (=/). Had some oatmeal and juiced some clementines and pineapple! I’m gonna start some coursework and see if I can’t go to a harvest party with Twin. I need to get out, desperately.

And I’ve completely forgotten to document my Muse/U2 adventures! Promise I’ll have that up soon…

And one last note, I know I’m idiotic to try and do NaNoWriMo this year, but I’ve got this one story idea that’s a lot more developed than last year, so I’m hoping to do a lot of plotting this week. I’ll proberly spend a weekend at Twin or RayBay’s and just write all night. Could get about 10k – 15k done at least, if I really try.

Oh… and this…

If you’re not a Muse fan, you’ll be wondering what the keck I’m posting, but that’s okay, you should find your inner Muser…

Cheers!

Wanda

Upon the frays of long dead wood,

The threads of its body like burlap,

Softened by the touches of sea,

Salty, tender, and wet –

There, upon the frays of a tree

She sat, wrapped in plastic green

And her bony frame shielded

By black denim, bright green seams

But her face she yielded to the wind,

To the bite, the claws of the salt

Like a wolf’s claws in deep,

Why, he wonders, would such beauty

Be thrown to waste, be ruined so?

He wonders, is it release?

Is this some secret blade,

The wind cutting through her bonds?

He stands, from leaning on metal

Made by iron and steel,

And brings down his hood –

Struck! –but he remains –

Eyes closing, enhancing the sting,

The beautiful sting of pain

In a numbed world, the anaesthetic

In its veins.

No, this man, this girl –

They are released, indeed, the thought

Passes across his mind, a cruel

Way to at last live, if in pain,

Live…

The girl turns, the sand moving under her,

Aeolus and Poseiden taking her crown

Of coffee hair, spinning it,

Her pearled skin, lips dark with the

Colour of cherry, blood, life,

Her eyes piercing softly into his –

They beg the question.

Who are you?

Who art thou?

Why dost thou disturbeth the goddess’s slumber?

No, he imagines it, does he not?

He does not,

He does not,

He stands,walks agape, thoughts of another

Streaming, flowing, racing through his own

Like two pigments,

Two currents of magnanimous electricity,

Carving glory into his existence,

Burning supernovas into his eyes,

Painting on the canvas of his soul,

The makings of the nebula,

The gift of notes and sounds

In gorgeous waterfalls, simple birdcalls.

His senses are intensified, intensified as the Sun,

A superstar softly rising, embracing his soul –

Their souls, they are transformed,

Exploding with the blunt power of

A hundred million suns,

The ability to communicate –

Enabling them to conjure

That which is buried, lost in the souls

Of a world hidden from the sun,

This dimension.

They are given music.

Le sigh. I’m supposed to be doing coursework (aren’t I always?). But I wanted to post, because I think this day is sort of monumental.

During the summer, I didn’t eat for two weeks. And last year during school, I wouldn’t eat anything but breakfast for a month or two. The school year thing lasted just that long because I felt to fuzzy to be comfortable, as if I were on meds or something. When I didnt’ eat for two weeks, I lost five pounds, but I had the worst headaches, and again fuzzy.

This morning, I was completely intent on starting that again. I wasn’t going to eat. And I wasn’t going to eat for good. If my grades didn’t drop and I could still be normal, I wouldn’t eat anything but breakfast – I have to eat something because of my medecines and the constant bloodwork I have.

I went to church, feeling fat, and they said they had a guest speaker named Jordan. I was ready to sit back and daydream my way through the service, because I’d proberly all ready heard this and it would go in one ear and out the other.

Jordan was, indeed, typical. He smoked weed. He did drugs. He dealt them. He got in deep. Then he got out, with God’s help. Blahblahblah.

As he explained this, my ears started… catching things… catching unique phrases, he was saying all the normal stuff, but somehow… different. It was in a way that suddenly made sense.

One that stood out to me was that he said, “I kept putting all this stuff above God, but whenever you put something above God, it gets taken away, over and over and over again.”

If I keep putting everything above God, it keeps going away, and it will constantly be out of reach.

Out of nowhere, I felt all of my walls break down. If I really, truly want someone like my Paper Person, I need to put him under God. If I want to see Muse, I need to put them below God.

That seems like a blatantly wrong concept. If I want it, just pretend to put it under God in my life, right? Wrong. I don’t know how to explain it, but the sin in the fact that I was putting all this stuff above God, and it was extremely idiotic considering that just got it TAKEN AWAY FROM ME.

I’m not expecting Matthew Bellamy to fall out of the sky into my arms, either. God took it away from me, all that weight I’ve been carrying. And I also let got of my minor anorexia. Jordan talked about our bodies as a temple… I’d forgotten about that verse. So I ate today. Funny how quickly God got me out of that hole.

Another thing that amazed me – at the end of his talk, Jordan told us all to bow our heads. So everyone did. He talked for a bit, but basically said, if you haven’t made the commitment to God, and you realise you need to and want to, look at me.

And he said, “I see you, you, you, you, I see you, you, you, you…”

I was extremely surprised at that.

Then he said, “Put your heads down again. Throughout my life, I made so many commitments to God. Every summer, every high, every mountain. But when I got to the valley, I never kept my commitment, I always broke it, ignored it. If you have made multiple commitments to God, and haven’t kept them because of something you know is keeping you from it… I want you to stand up.”

As I had been sitting there, I was feeling my eyes mist. As I established two posts ago, idon’tcry and I was crying. Not full on, but I WAS CRYING and I knew the spirit was there. I couldn’t feel some extra terrestrial hooby dooby change happening inside me, I was just… crying. So I stood, and saw that almost everyone in the room was standing. I know some people weren’t standing because they were thinking about what he’d just said, but I also knew that the majority of them… they were very humbly standing there. You could see it in the faces, in the eyes. I was trying not to cry.

He told us to go find our small groups. Me and Twin headed over and then they sent us with one of the people in my parents’ bible study. I was worried at first, fearful that someone I didn’t want to know would know anything. But I soon got comfortable. I don’t know. It was an odd… security I felt, not a peace, but a security, like God just put it in my head that she was okay, go ahead, your secret will be safe.

So I talked about two of my three major problems.

1. I curse. A lot.

2. Depression. And all that entails that.

We didn’t go into huge detail, but suddenly we were bonded. We talked way longer than any of the other groups. It was weird, but weird=God. God was there. It wasn’t that we felt the Holy Spirit moving, or that someone started breathing fire or bizzarish things like that, but something was happening. I was being released. I am released. I am free.

I don’t know how long this will last. I know that I now have the other two girls aside from Twin to talk with, and that I suddenly have a mentor who isn’t the same age as me… I think I’ll start holding myself accountable.

And… I think I’ve let go of my Paper Person.

I don’t know about that yet. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring. Part of me wants to get away from it while there’s this strain on our bond.

But the other half of me keeps thinking about all those promises I’ve made… I could easily keep going with this. I don’t want to admit defeat, that maybe we don’t have this indescribable interstellar invincible bond that will last centuries because it’s love with our souls and music. I don’t know. I just don’t know.

I need to want to. I don’t know if I want to. I don’t know.

But I know I got alot off my chest today.

Progress.

Something.

This is so mainstream and ew, but I’m desperate for a song.

PS: I forgot about this part of the day (this post is so crappola), but for the past few weeks, I think I’ve decided that I’m going to try psychology in college. And Twin said the exact same thing. I thought that was monumental. And awesomsauce. And we also sat around for nearly an hour talking about how perfect it would be to buy a flat with DeKaff. We could split the price three ways, and the bills three ways – they’d be so much cheaper that way. And all of us are just compatible for living together. And if Twin and I end up be psychologists, we can get jobs practically anywhere. There’s a need for therapists or conselours or whatever in all of the places we would want to live. All of those places are cities, for the most part. I wonder if God will ever give us that dream.

I’m in a rush, if you haven’t noticed. So sorry about that post being odd sounding, but I needed to document this.