Forealz?

Le sigh. I’m supposed to be doing coursework (aren’t I always?). But I wanted to post, because I think this day is sort of monumental.

During the summer, I didn’t eat for two weeks. And last year during school, I wouldn’t eat anything but breakfast for a month or two. The school year thing lasted just that long because I felt to fuzzy to be comfortable, as if I were on meds or something. When I didnt’ eat for two weeks, I lost five pounds, but I had the worst headaches, and again fuzzy.

This morning, I was completely intent on starting that again. I wasn’t going to eat. And I wasn’t going to eat for good. If my grades didn’t drop and I could still be normal, I wouldn’t eat anything but breakfast – I have to eat something because of my medecines and the constant bloodwork I have.

I went to church, feeling fat, and they said they had a guest speaker named Jordan. I was ready to sit back and daydream my way through the service, because I’d proberly all ready heard this and it would go in one ear and out the other.

Jordan was, indeed, typical. He smoked weed. He did drugs. He dealt them. He got in deep. Then he got out, with God’s help. Blahblahblah.

As he explained this, my ears started… catching things… catching unique phrases, he was saying all the normal stuff, but somehow… different. It was in a way that suddenly made sense.

One that stood out to me was that he said, “I kept putting all this stuff above God, but whenever you put something above God, it gets taken away, over and over and over again.”

If I keep putting everything above God, it keeps going away, and it will constantly be out of reach.

Out of nowhere, I felt all of my walls break down. If I really, truly want someone like my Paper Person, I need to put him under God. If I want to see Muse, I need to put them below God.

That seems like a blatantly wrong concept. If I want it, just pretend to put it under God in my life, right? Wrong. I don’t know how to explain it, but the sin in the fact that I was putting all this stuff above God, and it was extremely idiotic considering that just got it TAKEN AWAY FROM ME.

I’m not expecting Matthew Bellamy to fall out of the sky into my arms, either. God took it away from me, all that weight I’ve been carrying. And I also let got of my minor anorexia. Jordan talked about our bodies as a temple… I’d forgotten about that verse. So I ate today. Funny how quickly God got me out of that hole.

Another thing that amazed me – at the end of his talk, Jordan told us all to bow our heads. So everyone did. He talked for a bit, but basically said, if you haven’t made the commitment to God, and you realise you need to and want to, look at me.

And he said, “I see you, you, you, you, I see you, you, you, you…”

I was extremely surprised at that.

Then he said, “Put your heads down again. Throughout my life, I made so many commitments to God. Every summer, every high, every mountain. But when I got to the valley, I never kept my commitment, I always broke it, ignored it. If you have made multiple commitments to God, and haven’t kept them because of something you know is keeping you from it… I want you to stand up.”

As I had been sitting there, I was feeling my eyes mist. As I established two posts ago, idon’tcry and I was crying. Not full on, but I WAS CRYING and I knew the spirit was there. I couldn’t feel some extra terrestrial hooby dooby change happening inside me, I was just… crying. So I stood, and saw that almost everyone in the room was standing. I know some people weren’t standing because they were thinking about what he’d just said, but I also knew that the majority of them… they were very humbly standing there. You could see it in the faces, in the eyes. I was trying not to cry.

He told us to go find our small groups. Me and Twin headed over and then they sent us with one of the people in my parents’ bible study. I was worried at first, fearful that someone I didn’t want to know would know anything. But I soon got comfortable. I don’t know. It was an odd… security I felt, not a peace, but a security, like God just put it in my head that she was okay, go ahead, your secret will be safe.

So I talked about two of my three major problems.

1. I curse. A lot.

2. Depression. And all that entails that.

We didn’t go into huge detail, but suddenly we were bonded. We talked way longer than any of the other groups. It was weird, but weird=God. God was there. It wasn’t that we felt the Holy Spirit moving, or that someone started breathing fire or bizzarish things like that, but something was happening. I was being released. I am released. I am free.

I don’t know how long this will last. I know that I now have the other two girls aside from Twin to talk with, and that I suddenly have a mentor who isn’t the same age as me… I think I’ll start holding myself accountable.

And… I think I’ve let go of my Paper Person.

I don’t know about that yet. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring. Part of me wants to get away from it while there’s this strain on our bond.

But the other half of me keeps thinking about all those promises I’ve made… I could easily keep going with this. I don’t want to admit defeat, that maybe we don’t have this indescribable interstellar invincible bond that will last centuries because it’s love with our souls and music. I don’t know. I just don’t know.

I need to want to. I don’t know if I want to. I don’t know.

But I know I got alot off my chest today.

Progress.

Something.

This is so mainstream and ew, but I’m desperate for a song.

PS: I forgot about this part of the day (this post is so crappola), but for the past few weeks, I think I’ve decided that I’m going to try psychology in college. And Twin said the exact same thing. I thought that was monumental. And awesomsauce. And we also sat around for nearly an hour talking about how perfect it would be to buy a flat with DeKaff. We could split the price three ways, and the bills three ways – they’d be so much cheaper that way. And all of us are just compatible for living together. And if Twin and I end up be psychologists, we can get jobs practically anywhere. There’s a need for therapists or conselours or whatever in all of the places we would want to live. All of those places are cities, for the most part. I wonder if God will ever give us that dream.

I’m in a rush, if you haven’t noticed. So sorry about that post being odd sounding, but I needed to document this.