Sighness

I haven’t posted in a while. I remember in August when I had quite a lot more than usual. That made me really happy.

I don’t really know what I’m going to say. Well, I sort of do, but I’m not sure about it. So we’ll just ramble for a short bit.

I’ve found DeKaff. I remember when we were friends in fifth grade, gosh I remember how much I loved sitting next to her. I remember never seeing her until seventh, and somehow we all shunned her. I feel so terrible about that – I never really enjoyed it. It was all a fucking joke. I remember – the last day she was here, before moving to England, I decided that she needed some goddamned respect. So I gave her a present. I remember the ring leader of our class asking me in an annoyed voice, “Why’d you get her a present?” And I’d said… well, I can’t remember, but I remember it made her shut the fuck up. End of it.

Anyhow, we had some run ins on the internetz (not pleasant ones) and now we’ve become friends. To be perfectly honest, she’s been keeping me afloat a lot. Yeah, I suppose I’m helping her, but somehow, doing that is my freedom. And I don’t she realises how much she’s helping me, knowing that someone else feels exactly like me. I’m not in the degree of pain that she is, but she knows what it means to feel truly alone and worthless and like you want to end it all, right then and there. Thank you, DeKaff.

School’s started up, getting in the swing of things and the thick of things now. All ready, I’m overwhelmed. I don’t think my parents understand that I’m so traumatised right now. I need to be eased back into things. Right now, I really just need to be doing what I want to be doing. And that sounds selfish, but I mean, things that my brain can handle at the moment. Sophomore year is definitely loads harder than freshman year. All of my friends have at least three hours of homework, and that’s if we’re plowing through it. I’m not much of a plower if I can help it, so that turns into about five hours when I’m feeling lazy.

My parents also believe exercise is God. Seriously. If I’m not dying from exhaustion, I haven’t done shit to them. They don’t understand that sometimes, I’m just so mentally tired that I just want to die. They don’t know what it’s like to want to die.

They also don’t understand that right now, besides a mediocre swim team, I just want to be exercising on my own. My schedule permits that. When I’m in intense swimming, my day is centred around that hour and a half in the pool. Swimming sucks the life out of you. Plus, with choir going on and band, I lose aroung six hours of the eight that I have to do coursework. It’s crazy. So I’m up til midnight because I’m so tired I can’t think straight.

I can’t give up band, either. And not choir, either. Music is something I cannot live without. Straight. up. Every day, I have these thoughts getting me through each day:

1. DeKaff. I might get to hear from DeKaff and read some more of her novel. I might be understood again.

2. Muse. Music, I need music and Muse and those remarkable people who can communicate so indescribably, that thing that can make me so happy and so sad – I mean, for heaven’s sake, God flipping MADE music, He’s given it to us, and to some people, like myself and DeKaff, it’s our language, Andrew McMahon and Matthew Bellamy, they’ve got it, my parents don’t and the majority of people don’t – I need music to survive. God puts songs in my heart and in order to keep sane I must play music and lift my voice.

3. Twin. I need to talk to Twin. And RayBay. I need them. I need them, because they understand different parts of me. I need deeper interaction.

4. God.

It is a rare day that I can go through the whole eighteen hours plus that I’m awake and not have a single suicidal or depression rooted thought. I’m not okay.

I wish people could just admit it. That they’re not okay. I wish there were such a thing as complete honesty.

All I have is God.

And music.

That is complete honesty, no holding back.

And with DeKaff and Twin and RayBay, we’re climbing.

I’ll have to be going now, as I have an obligation… The Resistance.

Cheers

You haven’t come this far to fall off the earth.